After my last entry, I see I had no comments. I think why is because no one can see the sense or the emotion in it unless you are bipolar. I have a family who is just now trying to understand me. Unfathomable, unless you are willing to do the research. People want simple answers and quick fixes. I know they do, because I want the same thing. Right this moment I am in a mixed mode or cycle as it is called.

Mixed is exactly what it is too. I feel like: life sucks, but hold on and we can make it. This is being typed at 4:11 am. That means that my manic mode is kicking in also because of the restlessness and the insomnia. I have been between states for almost 4 days now. I guess being mixed is better than the straight depressive mode. At least I can focus some, feel some, and still be in control a little.

My last manic episode featured some psychomotor activities. I know that no one would understand that unless you research it. I showed up at the doctors office like a "Tweaker" and I do not use Meth. OMG< just imagine if I did. I would be psychotic to the max.
I thought it was just another anxiety/panic attack just worse. Which, I guess in a way it was. The worse thing was having to try to talk with my family and the doctor about what was going on. Try doing that when you cannot even complete a thought. My speech was slurred severly. I was shaking, my feet could not stay still. I was nauseated and having chills then heat spells. I was "tweaking" with nothing to tweak on! The doctor gives me Zyprexa 5 mg to take and stay in seclusion away from my kids and everyone else until "my body" was under control. I did and I made it through it. It is times like this that are unpredictable and outright scarry for anyone around you. Although, you know that you are normal and you are fairly certain (unless someone severly pisses you off) that you are not going to hurt anyone, how can you convince the people around you of that?